Keratoconus x Dating
Dating & Keratoconus
Now that we’ve covered most of the “serious” topics about my experience and life with Keratoconus (KC). I think I’m brave enough to open up about my dating experiences with the disease.
Dad! If you stumble upon this post, please “X’ out of it. What I’m about to share with everyone else are all lies: I’m still single, never dated and never will because your little dumplin’ knows better.
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Technically I wasn’t lying, I am single, have been for a couple of years. You wouldn’t believe how often I get asked this question and whenever I tell them that I’m single, they’re like “WhY A pReTtY giRl LiKe yOu SinGle.”
So, what better way than to explain my decision within a post.
“Do I want a boyfriend /manfriend?”
Yes - as I mentioned in my previous post I would love for someone to hold me down and be there for me.
“So, If I want a relationship why have I chosen to be single?”
Although I would love for someone to be in my life, I have to first be willing to let someone into my life fully which I haven’t. The main reason is similar to why a lot of people are single nowadays; I'm scared.
Yes, the journey of finding true love is largely based upon taking a risk, however, after my failed past attempts I decided it was best to take a break. It became tiresome having to constantly explain why I couldn’t go out after work, why I rather stay indoors the majority of the time to rest my eyes, and the biggest issue; why I wasn’t comfortable enough to go outdoors without my contacts with them.
These led to way too many arguments and feeling 10x worse about having Keratoconus. They never understood how being without my contacts affected me mentally. Especially, being outdoors! In the past, I’ve tried pleasing others by going out without my contact lenses but all it did was increase my depression and worsen my anxiety. Imagine being somewhere stuck in the corner of the room, unable to see your surroundings with no idea who’s talking to you, and having to depend on someone to carry you to the bathroom.
There are other reasons behind my choice that have nothing to do with KC. It’s more to do with men of this generation and their “whack ass” games. At this point in my life, the person I choose to settle down with next has to be interested in a serious long term relationship with me.
Nowadays, it seems as though we’re stuck in the “let’s just have fun - f*ck buddy” era. Ugh! Make it stop.
Dating in the 21st century seems so exhausting - my larwdt! KC already sucks the life out of me, I don’t want to lose the ounce I have remaining. Sadly, there aren’t that many loyal people out there. Even fewer that’ll understand someone living with KC. My mind constantly wonders:
What if they’re unsupportive?
What if they misunderstand me?
What if they can’t handle the breakdowns?
What if they ghost me after I’ve dropped my guard and completely let them in?
What if they bored of me having to stay indoors a lot of times?
The what if’s scenarios to dating are infinite.
I can’t help but wonder why did the guys who made it abundantly clear that they cared and displayed feelings towards me walked away without any notice nor explanation. They just up and disappeared into thin air. Obviously, my mind pondered on the various reasons which could’ve led to their early departure:
Did they die?
Was it something I did or didn’t do?
Was I the problem?
Was my sight the problem?
I had no problem with people walking out of my life. It sucks when I truly cared for them, however, if they’re not meant to be in my life then so be it. My only wish was for them to give me a reason and if it had anything to do with my eyes. So there I am every time not with a broken heart, but also clueless. For example, let’s take my last dating experience a couple of years ago; I’ll call him Bob.
Storytime:
Bob and I met, he instantly asked me out on a date. We had a marvelous time, but I waited a while to tell him about my eye situation. After a few weeks I opened up to Bob about the disease, he stated that he wished I told him sooner, but he was going to be there for me. Bob became extremely supportive which led my guard to drop and I felt more vulnerable.
I thought “maybe he’s the one!” I mean how couldn’t he be?! Everything flowed smoothly: untold secrets, lots of laughter, quality time indoors… Then two months later he vanishes into thin air. Poof - Gone; no goodbye, arrivederci, au revoir, adios - nada! There were “mild” attempts to reach out; WhatsApp, text, facetime, Facebook, e-mail ….. As I said, It was mild. Yet, all I got in return were I pile of unreplied messages and ignored calls.
I know what you may be thinking - “What the fuck Bob?!” “That was a real asshole thing to do!”
This left my overthinking brain to go on a frenzy of the possible reasons and 90% of them had to do with my eyes. The main one was probably not being upfront with him about Keratoconus. So, I told myself from that day forth I will tell the guys up front. That had to be the solution, right?.
Omg! I felt that all the men I went out on dates with were secretly magicians. I’ve never seen guys disappear so quickly after a first date.
So, now I have no clue when to tell a guy. I can’t tell them on the first date because it’s a mood killer nor can I tell them weeks in because I look dishonest. BRUH!
“Jeez Shakeila, haven’t you met at least one person who hasn’t screwed you over?”
The answer is No, there’s no Cinderella story here people - I’m sorry.
Just kidding. Truth - I have met a few amazing guys who had huge hearts and would go above and beyond for me, but they weren’t my person. Don’t roll your eyes just yet, let me explain.
I would be a soulless bitch if I dragged them along my journey knowing that they were someone else’s ‘Happily Ever After.’ The decision was always difficult, and I never prolonged it. Yes, it meant I was going to be alone once again. However, it was better to have them in my life as a friend and not rob them of that great opportunity in experiencing true love.
I always gave them the closure they needed and told them I would never disappear which I always meant.
I do believe that everyone deserves to fall in love, and have that full-blown true love experience. There’s a quote made by John Green in one of his fabulous novels
“But I believe in true love, you know? I don't believe that everybody gets to keep their eyes or not get sick or whatever, but everybody should have true love, and it should last at least as long as your life does.”
We weren’t meant to be alone in this world nor settle for less than we deserve. We are meant to care for each other, have a companion who’s your best friend. If you are like me, single as a Pringle, just hang in there buddy.
Do I get lonely?
I’ll admit it does get lonely at times and I would love for someone to shower me with cuddles, but not while sleeping. Someone who will be supportive and understanding of my situation. Yet, I'm not rushing it. When the time is right I’ll stumble upon the right guy - the one that feels like home - the one I can call mine - my person. I believe the guy for me is out there pushing a pull door.
Until then I’ll keep on working on myself and trying not to be as guarded as I’ve been the past couple of years.
If there are any single guys out there who have Keratoconus and worry about their future love life. It’ll be great to find out how you deal with it on your end. Shoot me an e-mail or comment.
Upcoming post: My Eyecare routine. I’ll be explaining how I care for my eyes, Scleral Lenses and what products I use religiously.
Until next time.
Stay safe Luvs! x
